Dear Friends — at last, we are back on track with the Grimm Brothers Fairytale reboot project. Here’s #4 (only 205 more to go):
Hollywolves, the goat lady, and her (adopted) kids (Grimm Fairytale, #4 reboot)
Once upon a time there was a woman who looked like a goat, because she was a goat, and who lived in Hollywood Village with her 7 adopted kids. The little goat-children were all almost grown up lovely individuals – barely kids at all, in fact — who were idealistic to the whisker; they made thoughtful erotica, responsibly packaged tampons, interned with fund-raising for eco-education in developing countries, and in general were cool and morally impressive people.
On the first night of Chanukah they had a Chanukah party at their house. But, truth to tell, the goat lady wasn’t much of a housekeeper or entertainer, having devoted her life to raising her kids and teaching them how to eat tin cans on the Hollywood hillside, and other goatish skills, so when everyone gathered around the dining room table for Chanukah, she realized she was short a candle and cooking oil for the latkes so she had to leave them all, and run quick out of the house to the Thrifty’s for supplies.
Since they lived near Paramount Studies, the goat lady warned her kids not to answer the door.
“Don’t let anyone in,” she told them, “because the talent wolves are lurking around, waiting for you to be vulnerable. They’ll come in and eat you up, so BE CAREFUL”
Of course, as always happens in these stories, two talent wolves were watching the house from the Paramount Studios water tower, and up the street they came as soon as the goat lady left. One was a TV/movie wolf that called himself an ENTERTAINMENT WOLF, and the other was a wolf that liked in particular to eat very smart and verbal people and she called herself a LITERARY WOLF.
They had their scam down. They would knock on the door and promise you big deals with big corporations, and they would show you a contract through the little peephole and then when you opened the door they’d come into your house and eat you.
“Knock Knock!” They both cried at the front door.
The kids approached and looked through the peephole.
“Hi there, I’m looking for the Amazing Kids,” said the movie wolf. “We’re going to make you a lot of money.”
“We will not open,” said kid #2 who was a talented amateur juggler who could also sing opera while making frittatas.
“Hmm,” said the literary wolf to her associate. “We’ll need disguises like in Shakespeare,” so they walked over to Melrose and went to the My Sister’s Cheese Thrift Shop, where they purchased vintage getups that made them look like encyclopedia salesmen.
They knocked on the kids’ door again.
“Hi, would you like to buy these encyclopedias?” said the wolves as they flashed shabby suits and held up some old books they’d found in the bargain bins
“Hey,” said kids 5 and 6 who were weekend haiku figure-skaters who also were do-it yourself plumbers,” those aren’t encyclopedias, those are television repair manuals! – We will not open.”
“Ok,” said the first wolf, “we need to really get serious about disguises.” With that they went to the La Brea Tarpits computer store and got computer costumes, and came back.
“Knock knock!” they sang out. “We. are walking ibooks and ipads, with special apps.” The kids looked through the peephole and saw these giant apple computers that looked amazing. They let the wolves in.
Then all heck broke loose.
“WE WANT TO SIGN YOU!!!!! said the wolves bursting through the door and opening their jaws very wide. The kids ran screaming and bleating and hid in the bathtub, in the microwave, in the electric blanket, in the freezer, and in the garage door opener. The wolves found each one and gobbled them up. YUM YUM.
Only kid #7 hadn’t opened and had hid early curled up in a garbage can for recyclables. She was a kid who had no special talents – other than being super smart at surviving.
Which come to think of it, is THE BIGGEST TALENT OF ALL.
The goat lady came back with the pack of candles and some canola oil after running into her rabbi and a few poet acquaintances. She saw that the house door was hanging open, and she ran inside to discover that the kids had all been eaten up except for the kid in the garbage can, who leapt out when she heard her mom’s voice.
“The wolves came!”
“No one messes me with my kids,” said the goat lady. “Come on, let’s find them.”
They walked out the door and got into the car and drove to the fancy hotel where the fancy and famous animals stay.
Of course the wolves were lying by the pool in their trunks and bikinis with hugely distended stomachs. They were snoring softly side-by-side after such a huge and tasty meal. The goat lady and the kid took out their nail clippers and started clipping open those stomachs — and out came the kids with their haikus and skates! Pop Pop Pop – out came the other kids!
The wolves slept through the whole thing, because they’d taken tranquillizers because being a wolf is a stressful job.
After they slipped the kids out, the mom and the youngest kid put a bunch of business cards inside the stomachs of the wolves, and stapled them back up with the stapler that the goat lady had on hand always, because you never know when you’re going to need to staple something.
They wolves woke up an hour later with all those phone numbers and websites churning inside them. They jumped in the pool, and started to drown with the weight of that heavy cardstock but the good-looking lifeguard pulled them out.
The wolves signed her up immediately and opened their jaws. But the lifeguard was so chlorinated that they couldn’t eat her and so it was a win-win and you can see her on TV, glistening with inedible fame.
Stephanie Barbé Hammer Writing (Un) Real 
Really liked this. It reminds me why I’ll never live in Hollywood.
Thanks Joe, although you’d better watch out — those hollywolves are everywhere… 😉